The Four Agreements

Introduction

The Four Agreements, a 1997 self-help book by Don Miguel Ruiz, draws on Toltec wisdom that has been passed down through generations of different lineages of naguals (masters) in secrecy.

• The book proposes that by following these four agreements, we can transform our lives and experience more joy, freedom and love.

The Smokey Mirror

The tale introduces a medical student who has a profound realization while sleeping inside a cave.

• He recognizes that everything is interconnected and composed of light, including himself, the stars and the universe.
• Additionally, everything in existence is a manifestation of the one living being we call God.
• Human perception is simply light perceiving light through a mirror. Everything including humans, animals, trees, water, clouds and the Earth, acts as a mirror reflecting light.
• When we see others, we are essentially seeing a reflection of ourselves, albeit obscured by the "smoke" (the world of illusion, the "Dream") of our individual perceptions.

He tried to share his realization with others, but they cannot understand him.

• They are all dreaming, but without awareness of what they truly are.
• Knowing he would soon forget what he had learned, he decides to adopt the name "Smokey Mirror" as a reminder of his experience.

Human Domestication

Humans are constantly dreaming, so what you're experiencing right now - seeing and hearing - is also a dream.

• This concept of a "dream of the planet" (the society's dream) refers to the collective consciousness or shared reality created by generations of humans before us.
• This collective dream is made up of billions of smaller, personal dreams, which together form the dreams of families, communities, cities, countries, and finally, all of humanity.
• It encompasses society's rules, beliefs, laws, religions, cultures and accepted behaviours.

We are born into this dream and taught its knowledge, rules and concepts through our family, education and religion, beginning with language.

• This process heavily shapes our belief systems - defining what's acceptable and inappropriate, good and bad, or beautiful and ugly - often through repetition and our acceptance of it.

In essence, we undergo a form of domestication. Information from the outside dream (societal norms) is conveyed to our inside dream (personal beliefs) through various forms of conditioning, including rewards and punishments.

• Children tend to believe everything adults say. As soon as we agree and believe, this information is stored as an agreement with unconditional faith.
• Children do not choose these beliefs; they may have rebelled, but they were not strong enough to win the rebellion and surrendered to the beliefs.
• These belief systems act like a Book of Law that rules our minds and shapes our entire worldview and sense of self, even if these judgments go against our inner nature.

Throughout domestication, we are punished and rewarded many times a day according to these rules.

• Out of fear of rejection or not being good enough, we may pretend to be someone we are not to gain acceptance, especially from family members and teachers.
• We have learned to live our lives trying to satisfy other people's demands or viewpoints, rather than embracing and loving ourselves.
• We learn to judge ourselves and others according to an image of perfection based on the Book of Law, creating an inner Judge and an inner Victim.
• Every time we do something that goes against the Book of Law, the Judge says we are guilty, and the Victim (another part of us) accepts the blame, shame and punishment, which leads to feelings of guilt, stupidity or unworthiness.
• Moreover, every time we remember a mistake, we judge ourselves and feel guilty, punishing ourselves again and again.
• Eventually, due to these lies that we believe, we can find ourselves living in a "dream of hell", characterized by suffering, fear and emotional drama.

The biggest fear we have is not death, but the fear of being truly alive.

• We learn to live our lives trying to satisfy other people's demands out of fear and only believe the beliefs in our head (mitote).
• We cannot forgive ourselves and start to self-reject because we do not fit our own image of perfection, which is an impossible standard.
• We do not dare take the risk to be alive and express what we really are.

Afterall, changes can be uncomfortable.

• When something challenges our established beliefs in the Book of Law, it can feel unsafe, even if it could ultimately benefit us.
• Therefore, it takes a great deal of courage to challenge or go against these agreements, even if we understand that the Book of Law is not the absolute Truth.

Prelude to A New Dream

We make countless agreements throughout our lives - with ourselves, with others and with various entities.

• However, the most significant agreements are the ones we make with ourselves.
• In these internal agreements, we define who we are, what we feel, what we believe, and how we behave.
• They shape our identity, emotions, beliefs, and how we interpret the world.

To live a life of joy and fulfillment, we must find the courage to break those agreements that are fear-based and reclaim our personal power.

• We are each born with a certain amount of personal power that we restore every day when we rest.
• Unfortunately, we spend all of this energy first creating, and then keeping, these agreements.
• The agreements that are based on fear are the most draining.
• They require us to expend a great deal of energy, which leaves us barely surviving and feeling powerless to change our lives, even if we do not like the "dream" we are living.

Yet, each time you break one of these old agreements, all the power you used to create it returns to you.

• Adopting the four agreements to replace your old ones will transform your life, creating a "dream of heaven", but it requires a very strong will.

The First Agreement: Be Impeccable with Your World

Words are more than just sounds or written symbols. They are powerful force, working like magic.

• They grant us the ability to express ourselves, communicate with others, shape our thoughts and ultimately, create everything in our lives.
• Regardless of the language you speak, your intent manifests through your words.
• Depending on how they are used, words can create the most beautiful dream or destroy everything around you, thereby creating a living hell.

The human mind is like fertile ground where seeds are continually being planted.

• The seeds are opinions, ideas and concepts.
• Humans often use words like black magicians, thoughtlessly casting spells on each other and changing entire beliefs for better or for worse.
• When people listens to the words of others or their own inner voice and agrees, those words can become self-fulling prophecies. For example, a girl who constantly hears people say she is ugly may grow up believing that about herself.

Impeccability means "without sin".

• A sin is anything you do that goes against yourself.
• Everything you feel, believe or say that goes against yourself is a sin.
• Self-rejection is the biggest sin you can commit.
• You go against yourself when you judge or blame yourself for anything.
• Being impeccable with your word also means not using words against yourself.
• Therefore, we should not use words to condemn people or make them angry and cause them to cast back "black magic" and emotional poison.

Most of the time, we use our words to spread our personal poison, expressing anger, jealousy, envy, and hatred.

• Of all these, gossip is black magic at its worst, as people spread emotional poison and opinions, even about those they do not know.
• Gossip has become a way we feel close to each other because it makes us feel better to see someone else feel as badly as we do.

For years, we have received gossip and spells not just from the words of others, but also from the way we use our words with ourselves.

• For example, we say things to ourselves like: "I look fat", "I'm getting old" or "I'm losing my hair".
• By applying the First Agreement, you will change the way you deal with yourself by speaking affirmations (white magic) to yourself - telling yourself how wonderful and capable you are.
• Later, this practice will extend to the way you deal with others, especially those you love.

Being impeccable with your word will also give you immunity from anyone putting a negative spell on you.

• Your mind will become fertile only for words that come from love, no longer from "black magic".

The Second Agreement: Don't Take Anything Personal

Whatever happens around you, do not take it personally.

• By taking things personally, you set yourself up to suffer for nothing.
• The moment you take something personally, you are agreeing with what was said.
• The emotional poison then enters you, and you become trapped in the "dream of hell".

Personal importance, or taking things personally, is the ultimate expression of selfishness.

• During our domestication, we learn to take everything personally.
• We make the assumption that everything revolves around "me", believing we are responsible for everything that happens.
• However, the truth is that everyone lives in their own dream, separate from yours, and acts according to their own desires.
• Even when a situation seems personal, and others insult you directly, their words have nothing to do with you; they are their opinions, based on their belief systems. They are trying to release their emotional poison by calling you stupid.
• Essentially, nothing they think about you is really about you; it is about them. Therefore, their opinions are not important.

At all time, do not let someone else's words, whether praise or criticism, dictate your emotions.

• You do not need other people to define who you are; everyone else is a secondary actor or actress in your movie.
• Your perception shapes your experience of the world. When you feel good, the world seems brighter, and vice versa.

Even the opinions you have about yourself are not necessarily true; therefore, you do not need to take what you hear in your own mind (the mitote) personally.

• Just as we have a choice of what to believe and agree with in the "dream of the planet", we have a choice whether or not to believe the voices we hear within our own minds.
• The mitote is comparable to a huge marketplace with thousands of people talking and bartering at the same time. Each one has different thoughts and feelings.
• The agreements we have made are like a separate living being and may not be compatible with each other.
• The mitote is the reason humans hardly know what they want, how they want it, or when they want it. Part of the mind wants one thing, while other parts want the exact opposite.

Wherever you go, you will find people lying to you, and you also lie to yourself.

• People lie to you because they lie to themselves, and they are also afraid that you will discover they are imperfect; it is painful for them to take off that social mask.
• If others say one thing but do another, be truthful to yourself by choosing to believe their actions.
• Telling yourself the truth may hurt for a little while, but you will save a lot of emotional pain later on. Healing is on the way, and it is just a matter of time before things get better.
• If someone is not treating you with love and respect, it is a gift if they walk away from you.
• Remember, you do not need to trust others as much as you need to trust yourself to make the right choices.

When you make it a strong habit not to take anything personally, you avoid many upsets (anger, jealousy, envy, and sadness) in life that come from the careless comments of others.

• You become immune to "black magicians", and no spell can affect you, no matter how strong it may be.

You are never responsible for the actions of others; you are only responsible for yourself.

The Third Agreement: Don't Make Assumptions

We tend to make assumptions about everything - what others are doing or thinking.

• This behaviour stems from a desire to find explanations for the unknown and a fear of asking for clarification,
• The problem with assumptions is that we often mistake them for the truth and take them personally, which can lead to unnecessary misunderstandings, emotional poison and dramas.
• We often see and hear only what aligns with our expectations, essentially creating our own fantasies that lack a basis in reality.

In relationship, a common assumption is that our partners can read our minds.

• We believe they know what we want or need without us expressing it, simply because they know us so well.
• When they do not fulfil this unspoken desire, we feel hurt and say things like "You should have known".

When you enter a new relationship, you might justify your feelings by focusing on the qualities you want to see and denying the ones you do not. You lie to yourself to justify your feelings and then make another dangerous assumption: that love can change someone.

• People change because they choose to, not because of someone else.
• True love involves accepting someone for who they are, not trying to mould them into someone else.
• Ideally, you find someone who aligns with your desires and feels the same way about you, rather than trying to change that person.
• If the person loves you for who you are, then you can truly be yourself, instead of presenting a false image.

Knowing that assumptions lead to suffering, it is always better to ask questions to gain clarity, rather than to make assumptions.

• This practice helps to avoid conflicts rooted in misunderstanding.
• Have the courage to ask as clearly as you can to know the truth, and respect that everyone has the right to say “no” or “yes”.

Remember, a significant human assumption is that others operate from the same perspective as ourselves.

• We assume they think, feel, judge, and even experience abuse in the same way we do.
• We fear being our true selves around others because we assume they will judge and abuse us as we do ourselves; we have already rejected ourselves before others.
• This is rarely true, and recognizing these differences can transform your entire life.

We also make assumptions about ourselves, which creates a great deal of inner conflict.

• We frequently overestimate or underestimate our own abilities.
• For example, you might assume "I think I am able to do this", and then discover you are not.
• More importantly, we should stop lying to ourselves about what we truly want.

The Fourth Agreement: Always Do Your Best

Under any circumstance, always do your best, no more and no less.

• You "best" will naturally fluctuate depending on your physical, mental and emotional state at any given time.
• For example, your best may be different when you are feeling healthy versus when you are sick, or when you are happy versus when you are upset.
• Regardless of the quality of your effort, keep doing your best, no more and no less.
• Pushing yourself beyond your best can be counterproductive. It depletes your energy and can hinder your ability to accomplish goals.
• On the other hand, doing less than your best can lead to frustrations, self-judgement, guilt and regrets.
• The moment you are doing your best, there is no way you can judge yourself or suffer from guilt, blame and self-punishment.

When you always do your best, you are taking action because you love what you are doing, not because of an external reward.

• Many people fall into the trap of only taking action when they expect a reward, which diminishes their enjoyment and ultimately their performance.
• For example, working solely for a pay cheque to cover rent or support your family can create resistance and hinder your ability to do your best.
• This might even indicate a deeper dissatisfaction with your current situation, making you feel you have to work.
• When you do not like yourself and your life, you might take actions to hurt yourself, such as getting drunk.
• Conversely, taking action for the sake of doing it, without expecting a reward, allows you to find enjoyment in the process.
• Rewards may still come, but they become a bonus, not the sole motivator.
• When you do this, you are enjoying life and having fun, free from boredom and frustrations.
• You are also not trying to please others or your inner Judge.

Action is about living fully, while inaction is a way of denying life.

• Expressing what you are is taking action.
• Without action on the many great ideas in your head, there will be no manifestation, no results and no rewards.

The best way to live your life and do your best is by letting go of the past and embracing the present moment.

• Whatever life takes away from you, let it go.
• Only by letting go of the past, you allow yourself to be fully alive in the moment, enjoying the current dream.
• Living in a past dream means you do not enjoy what is happening right now, and you will always wish for things to be different than they are, which only leads to self-pity, suffering, and tears.

You do not need to know or prove anything. Just being, taking a risk, and enjoying your life is all that matters.

• Say "no" when you want to say no, and "yes" when you want to say yes.
• You have the right to be you, and you can only be you when you do your best.
• Make doing your best a daily ritual, even in seemingly mundane tasks like taking a shower.

The first three agreements will only work if you do your best.

• Do not expect that you will always be impeccable with your words, never take anything personally, or never make another assumption.
• However, you can certainly do you best to practice these agreements.
• Only when you consistently do your best, over and over again - recommitting the next day after each failure - will these agreements become a part of you.
• Along this journey, everyone will try to sabotage your commitment to these new agreements, and everything around you is set up for you to break them.

The Toltec Path to Freedom

True freedom is about the human spirit - it is the freedom to be who we truly are.

• For example, we sometimes believe that marriage restricts our freedom, but even after a divorce, we might still feel unfree.

We were all once free, like two- or three-year-old children before social conditioning began.

• We did whatever we wanted, exploring the world with a big smile, and living in the present moment, unafraid to express ourselves.
• In fact, very young child do not worry about the past or the future; they only live in the present moment.

However, human domestication has made us no longer free because the Judge, the Victim and the Book of Law do not allow us to be who we really are.

• This chain of training from human to human, from one generation to the next, is perfectly normal in human society.
• You do not need to blame your parents for teaching you to be like them, because they did their best to teach you what they knew.
• Growing up also burdens us with responsibilities, like school and work, yet our inner self remains a playful child that that has lost its freedom.
• We lose the freedom to be ourselves, instead living to please and be accepted by others.

The worst part is that most of us are not even aware that we are not free. We live our lives and never discover that the Judge and the Victim rule our minds.

• Therefore, the first step toward personal freedom is awareness. If you are not aware, there is nothing you can change.
• Remember, there is no reason to suffer. The "dream of the planet" is just a dream, and the entire belief system inside your mind is based on lies.

With the awareness that your mind is full of wounds and emotional poisons (negative beliefs), the choice is yours to keep living the same way, surrendering to the Judge and the Victim), or rebel and fight for freedom from this parasite.

• Attacking the parasite head on
• This approach involves facing each of our fears one by one.
• You slowly replace self-limiting, fear-based beliefs with empowering agreements, like the Four Agreements, that align with your happiness.
• However, changing ingrained patterns requires consistent practice.
• Starving the parasite
• This approach focuses on stopping the feeding of the parasite by gaining control of your emotions and refraining from fuelling those that come from fear.
• Forgiveness is the key to healing from emotional poisons. This includes forgiving those who have wronged you (e.g., family and friends), and ultimately, yourself. You can choose to forgive because you have compassion for yourself. When you have truly forgiven someone, you will no longer have a strong emotional reaction when you see them.
• Once self-acceptance begins after forgiving yourself, self-love will grow so strong that you finally accept who you are.
• Initiation of the dead (facing mortality)
• Knowing you could die at any moment encourages you to live authentically in the present moment, without fear of judgment.
• When death feels closer, we are more likely to be ourselves and stop trying to please others.
• The idea of death can teach us to live every day as if it were our last. It encourages us to be open and unafraid. It reminds us to express love to those we cherish, for we might not have another chance. We do not want to waste our time with arguments or regrets.
• The resurrection is to be a wild and free child, who has wisdom instead of innocence this time. We break our domestication, heal our minds, and become free again to live in the present without carrying the past.

These path may not guarantee victory, but it at least gives you a chance to be free again and offers the dignity of rebellion.

Today is the Beginning of a New Dream

Happiness is a choice, and so is suffering.

• The dream you are living is your creation. It is your perception of reality that you can change at any time.
• In the state of bliss, you perceive love directly from everything around you, including yourself and other humans.

Living your life without the fear of expressing your dreams or being judged by others is possible.

• Moses called this the Promised Land, Buddha called it Nirvana, Jesus called it Heaven, and the Toltec call it a New Dream.

Summary

The entire drama of your life unfolds based on your beliefs. If you recognize that many of these beliefs may not be entirely true, then you hold the power to change them.

• This is the essence of Toltec wisdom, which emphasizes agreements we make with ourselves to cultivate a life of freedom, happiness and love.

The Four Agreements are the foundation of this philosophy:

• Be impeccable with your word.
• Do not take anything personally.
• Do not make assumptions.
• Always do your best.

The Fifth Agreement, introduced in a later work, adds another layer:

• Be sceptical, but learn to listen
• Question everything, but listen with an open mind to understand the deeper meaning. This fosters much clearer communication.

For a deeper dive, I highly recommend reading the book.